death by a thousand cuts

i started walking and then i ran
hurdles came and i jumped over them
i tripped. i fell. i bled. i cried.
i kept going. i’m a badass. and i can do it myself.
just put my mind to it.
exercise. eat well. have fun along the way.
those trials taught me…made me stronger
so i kept going
be nice to others. give back
raise respectful, grateful, healthy kids
work and work more
keep the house in good shape
take care of others. give support
take time for myself
i did these things
until i could no longer keep up
but still found myself backed in the darkest corner alone
i isolated
those around me and those i love struggled
but they seemed to be managing
life is hard for us all
fast-paced and trying
i kept picking up more weight
i lost faith. i lost trust
i gained fear. resentment
i gained an unfamiliar body
i lost days
i drank, and drank more
i smoked, and smoked more
with your help, i lost my mind
i gained confusion, mistrust, skepticism
i kept on
until i couldn’t
and stumbled down the deepest well
within, i found hell
and you let me burn in it
melted down until nothing of what was was left
in place of me, she had to take over
she showed bitterness
anger, hatred
she grew suspicious
and she grew strong
she learned your ways and mimicked them
because that was the way to survive
all too soon though, she grew confused
was she crazy too?
you let her think so
now there’s no one left to save us
she posed questions i couldn’t have fathomed before
what would it feel like…to feel nothing at all??
what would it take…to be completely erased??
we could simply fall asleep
and never wake up
life always held so much before us
our dreams could fill up rooms
time slipped away so slowly
and yet so fast we seemed to wind up here
a loneliness
so we sent away our three beloveds
and we swallowed some pills